


Hobbit-style Birthday Fics

by Soledad



Category: Star Trek: Voyager, The Hobbit, Torchwood
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:28:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26895220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Soledad/pseuds/Soledad
Summary: Short stories written for my LJ friends. I was given a fandom, a character and a prompt and went on from there.
Relationships: None
Comments: 38
Kudos: 13





	1. Introduction

**Introduction**

Due to the current situation I couldn't throw a proper birthday party this year, but I wasn't willing to let the dratted virus kill my fun completely. So I decided to throw a virtual birthday party, Hobbit-style: meaning that I will be the one handing out gifts. Therefore I asked my LJ friends to choose a fandom, a character within the fandom and give me a prompt. I then tried my best to come up with a halfway decent story, using these.

Enjoy!


	2. Fond Memories of a Barrel-rider - for curiouswombat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frodo is wondering why his Uncle Bilbo is always giggling when inspecting the wine barrels in his cellar. One day he gets to hear the tale.
> 
> My prompt was: "The Hobbit", Bilbo, barrels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second paragraph is directly quoted from "The Hobbit", with small modifications.  
> And yes, I know that Bilbo wasn't actually Frodo's uncle. But this story takes place right after a young Frodo moved to Bag End.

*** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ***  
Frodo always found the smial of his Uncle Bilbo fascinating. Compared with Brandy Hall, where he spent his previous years, it seemed almost... cosy, despite the fact that for a bachelor Hobbit to live there alone was definitely too large.

 _It had a prefecly round green door, with a shiny yellow brass knob in the exact middle. The door opened on to a long central hall like a tunnel, with panelled walls, and floors tiled and carpeted, provided with polished chairs and lots of pegs for hats and coats - Uncle Bilbo was clearly fond of visitors. The tunnel wound on and on, going fairly but not quite straight into the side of the Hill, and many little round doors opened out of it, first on one side and then on another. Bedrooms, bathrooms, cellars, pantries (lots of these), wardrobes (one had to wonder why someone needed whole rooms devoted to clothes), kitchens, dining-rooms, all were on the same floor, and indeed on the same passage. The best rooms were all on the left-hand side, for these were the only ones to have windows: deep-set, round windows, looking over his garden and meadows beyond, sloping down to the river._

Frodo had been in Bag End earlier, of course, for short visits, but now that he had moved in for good, he finally got the chance to explore it to his heart's desire. He was allowed to choose his own room and generally given access to everything, save for Bilbo's study; and even that was only an exception when the older Hobbit was working on his book.

Bilbo was also an accomplished cook, who, as mentioned before, liked visitors and enjoyed cooking and baking for them very much. Because of this, he regularly inspected his pantries and cellars to make sure that he had all potentially necessary ingredients at his disposal, all the time.

There was _one_ thing Frodo found a little odd, though. Whenever Bilbo inspected the barrels in the wine cellar, he quietly chuckled to himself. Finally, one day he couldn't resist asking.

"Uncle Bilbo, what is so funny about barrels?"

"Well, now, that's a very good question," Bilbo replied, smiling. "They remind me of my adventure. Come with me to the kitchen - I need to make the dough for the scones for afternoon tea - and I shall tell you all about it."

 *** * * * * * * * * * * * * ***  
Bilbo told the tale in his usual, animated manner that made him so popular among the little lads and lasses of Hobbiton (no matter what their parents might have thought of old Mad Baggins), and in the end Frodo was rolling on the floor, tears of mirth running down his cheeks.

"I wish I could have seen their faces when you let them out again," he said when he could speak again.

"It was truly a sight to behold," admitted Bilbo. "Thorin was the first one I freed, but if not for the gold chain around his neck and the silver tassle of his hood, I might not have recognized him. He had wet straw clinging to his beard, he was covered in cuts and bruises from head to toe, and it took time 'til he was willing to talk at least half-civilly to me. I might have spoken a bit... forcefully to him to make him pull himself together and help me free the others."

Frodo shook his head, still laughing. "Only you, Uncle Bilbo. Only you would have the cheek to berate a Dwarf King, after you've rolled him down a river in a barrel!"

"He should have been grateful that it was me and not, say, Lobelia," replied Bilbo. "Besides, I _needed_ his help! Wading around in the cold water at nightfall, it was a hard and dirty job to find the barrels with the rest of the Dwarves in them. More so as only six of them were still conscious and could answer when we knocked on their barrels. Quite frankly, for a moment I was afraid that Old Balin and Bombur wouldn't survive. Fortunatley, Fíli and Kíli, being fairly young in Dwarven measure, came out mainly unharmed and helped us with the others."

"Fíli and Kíli... they were Thorin's nephews, right?" asked Frodo thoughtfully.

Bilbo nodded."Yes. They died in the Battle of the Five Armies, shielding their uncle with their bodies. Alas that their sacrifice was in vain! Not that there would be anything wrong with Dáin Ironfoot being King under the Mountain, mind you. He is a wise, generous King and a great warrior, and I respect him very much. It is just so sad that Thorin had to lose everything before he could have come to his own properly: his kingdom, his life - even his nephews. Life is truly unfair sometimes."

Frodo nodded in agreement. Despite his youth, he had known loss already.

"Do you think I might meet them at some time?" he then asked. "The Dwarves who survived, I mean. Or any Dwarves at all."

"Oh, I'm quite sure you will," replied Bilbo encouragingly. "Dwarves pass through the Breelands all the time; and sometimes my travelling companions make a little detour to visit me. Why, you might even travel to the Mountain one day... or even further. You, too, are a descendant of the Old Took; and Tooks all have the _wanderlust_ in the heart of their hearts, deep down beneath that proper Hobbit surface."

"Perhaps one day I _will_ travel beyond the Mountains," said Frodo thoughtfully. "But not yet."

"No," agreed Bilbo. "You need to get rooted properly first; and the soil of the Shire is deep. You'll find your strength in it; it will ground you well. As for later... we shall see what the future will bring," he stood. "Now, enough of the deep thoughts. It is nearly tea-time, and I have yet to put these scones into the oven."

~The End~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Acknowledgement:** I want to thank for the prompt. It gave me the chance to put the barrel scene back to where it belonged: making it something about Bilbo and the Dwarves and their slowly growing mutual respect, instead of a senseless action scene involving Legolas and Orcs.


	3. Better than Mushrooms - for chocolate_frapp

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During the Company's rest in Rivendell, Bilbo is introduced to something rare and delicious.
> 
> My prompt was: "The Hobbit", Bilbo, chocolate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know chocolate didn't really exist in the Tolkienverse. That's why it isn't named. But this was my prompt, and I stick with it. ;))

*** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ***  
As Bilbo later wrote in his book, the Last Homely House was simply _perfect_. Whether you wanted excellent food, something interesting to work on, a good, long rest - or merely to sit quietly and dream, or a lovely mix of all the above, you got it. And the _singing_! There was nothing that could have been compared to that! Well... _almost_ nothing.

Needless to say that Bilbo enjoyed everything the House could offer. He particularly enjoyed talking to all the Elves who dwelt there; especially to those who worked in the kitchens.

On one of those days, when he was exchanging recipes with the head cook of the House - most of those involving mushrooms, which every self-respecting Hobbit held above any other foodstuffs - the Elf said to him:

"As much as I respect your devotion to mushrooms, Master Baggins, I believe I can offer you something that is even better."

"Better than _mushrooms_?" asked Bilbo in stunned disbelief. "Forgive me, but I simply cannot believe _that_."

"Well, judge for yourself," said the head cook.

And he opened with an ornate little key a small cupboard that Bilbo had never seen open before. He took out a large glass jar that was stoppered with a round slice of wood and was half-full of small, dark balls that looked like oversized blackberries, except that they were completely smooth. As he removed the stopper, a delicious aroma wafted towards them.

"What is this?" asked Bilbo in amazement.

"A delicacy from the Undying Lands," explained the head cook. "It's made from the core of a fruit that grows on a tall bush. You would not find it anywhere else, as the bush cannot survive outside the valley, and the making of the sweets is a long and delicate process. Fortunately, we are Elves. We have time."

"But how did you get them in the first place?" asked Bilbo. "I thought no-one who has once Sailed can come back from the Undying Lands."

"That is true," answered the Elf, "but there are exceptions. Only one Elf has ever been sent back: Lord Glorfindel, who dwells in this House. He has brought the plant with him as a gift for Aran(*) Gil-galad, who was not interested; so it was given to our Lord Elrond."

"And this is really supposed to be better than mushrooms?" Bilbo was still not persuaded.

The Elf smiled. "Just give it a try."

Gingerly, Bilbo fished one of the smooth little balls out of the jar and popped into his mouth.

"Well?" asked the Elf after several long moments of silence.

Bilbo stood there, eyes closed in bliss, with an expression upon his face as if he had died and gone to Heaven.

"You were right," he then admitted. "It _is_ even better than mushrooms. But if you tell anyone that I said that, I shall deny everything. I would lose the respect of my relatives and neighbours if they learned about it."

 *** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ***  
Roughly a year later, when he returned to the Shire, Bilbo had to realize that he had lost the respect of his fellow hobbits anyway. But he did not really mind. Because during his adventure he had won the friendship of Dwarves, Elves and Men... even of such a strange creature as Beorn, not to mention Grey Wizard.

And besides, during their rest in Rivendell on their way back, the head cook of the Last Homely House handed him a sizeable wooden box filled with the small, dark brown delicacies as a parting gift. And _those_ still tasted even better than mushrooms indeed.

~The End~

(*) Aran = king in Sindarin


	4. It's Her Birthday - for adafrog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Never stand between a pterodactyl and her chocolate. Crackfic.
> 
> My prompt was: Torchwood, Myfanwy, her birthday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Warning:** NOT for Gwen-friends.

*** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ***  
When Gwen arrived in the Hub - considerably later than she ought to have, but that was nothing new - she found only Owen in, bored to death and playing computer games.

"Where's everyone?" she demanded.

Owen shrugged. "Tosh got the day free to visit her old man..."

"What old man?" Gwen interrupted.

Owen rolled his eyes. "Her grandfather, who else?"

"Tosh has got a grandfather?" Gwen found that piece of information extremely surprising.

Owen looked like someone who's counting to ten mentally before answering.

"Newsflash, Cooper: _everyone_ has one; actually, everyone has _two_ , or they weren't here in the first place. Are you really telling me you didn't know Tosh's grandpa lives in London and she visits him twice a year?"

"She never said anything," Gwen said defensively. What was Owen's problem anyway?

"Gee, I wonder why's _that_ ," Owen replied snidely.

Gwen ignored him; clearly he was in one of his more nasty moods today. "And where's Jack?"

"He and Teaboy went to a farm to buy a slaughtered sheep for Myfanwy," Owen sounded bored.

Gwen's jaw hit the floor with an almost audible _thud_. "What? Why would they do that?"

"Cause it's her birthday," Owen had already returned to his computer game.

"Oh, come on!" Gwen said, exasperated. "Since when does a pterodactyl have a birthday?"

"They all have, I assume," Owen didn't even bother to turn to her. "At some point they _have_ to hatch from the egg, after all. In this case, though, Jack and Teaboy decided that they're gonna celebrate the day on which they caught Myfanwy as her birthday."

"But... but why?"

"No idea. Personally, I find it stupid, but perhaps they have some good memories from that day. After all, Jack _did_ hire Ianto afterwards, even though he swore he didn't want to do anything with One's leftovers. There must be a reason why they've even bought a lot of chocolate for Myfanwy; the finest dark chocolate money can buy. A total waste of money, if you ask me, but it is _their_ money to waste, isn't it?"

And with that, he focused on his game again, ignoring Gwen's _very_ convincing imitation of a traumatised goldfish.

Gwen huffed in annoyance. Ianto's obsession with the flying prehistoric reptile was truly ridiculous, and now he's pulled Jack into the stupid game, too? What use did Myfanwy have anyway? She just cost a lot of money to feed - and shat into the Hub from above when she was in a bad mood.

And now they've bought her _chocolate_? _Expensive_ chocolate? For a bloody _pterodactyl_? Were they completely insane, or was this Owen's warped sense of humour, trying to pull her leg?

Looking around, she spotted the small wheeled table, situated right under Myfanwy's eyrie. It was covered with all sorts of delicious chocolate, from Cadbury eggs (filled with dark chocolate mousse) through the 80% Lindt dark chocolate bars to Ferrero's Roundnoir dark chocolate balls. The latter were arranged into an artful pyramid, at least half a metre high, with a particularly large chocolate ball on top.

Gwen tried to resist, but that large, delicious chocolate ball was simply too much of a temptation. Without thinking, she reached out and popped it into her mouth. It melted on her tongue immediately, in an explosion of fantastic taste...

... and that was when Myfanwy pounced.

"I must admit, Mr. Jones, this was a clever and nefarious plan," Jack declared, after they had done the cleaning-up and were sharing what little Myfanwy had left from all that chocolate.

"Well, sir," Ianto replied with a modest smile," you know the saying: never stand between a pterodactyl and her chocolate."

~The End~


	5. I Didn't Know - for red_day_dawning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once again, Gwen arrives to work late and finds the Hub almost empty... save for someone she _didn't_ expect to find here. Crackfic.
> 
> My prompt was: Torchwood, Gwen, "I didn't know".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Warning:** NOT for Gwen-friends.

*** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ***  
Gwen congratulated herself to arriving at work only half an hour late. She took the usual way through the tourist office. To use the invisible lift she would have to ask someone to activate it for her, while this way she could disable the alarm and pretend she'd been in for some time already.

Especially as it was Ianto's day off and thus he couldn't catch her red-handed.

Therefore she was not surprised to find the tourist office empty (the CLOSED sign hung on the entrance door, after all) and let herself in, using the big button under the desktop.

She _was_ surprised, though that the entire Hub seemed to be empty as well. The workstations were powered down, with the exception of the Rift activity monitor on Tosh's workplace, and only the emergency lights were running.

Where was everyone?

"Jaaack?" she cried out. "Owen? Tosh? Where are you?"

"They're in London," a shockingly familiar voice answered and, to her utter surprise, Andy Davidson climbed up from somewhere on the sublevels.

"Andy?" she asked when she was able to speak again. "What are _you_ doing here, and why are the others in London?"

"Official business," Andy replied with a shrug. "Apparently, today is the anniversary of Canary Wharf, and there's some kind of memorial service to which all Torchwood personnel who were present at the battle - or the aftermath - were invited to participate."

"But only Ianto was there," Gwen pointed out. "And Jack hated One; he wouldn't go."

"Not for himself perhaps," Andy allowed. "He went for Ianto. And he _was_ present during the clean-up, and so were Toshiko and Owen."

"They were?" Gwen's eyes widened in surprise. "I didn't know that. But why are _you_ here? You ain't even Torchwood. Jack should have called in _me_."

"He tried," Andy replied with a shrug. "You didn't answer your phone."

"Well, yeah, Rhys and I were having a bit of a fight," Gwen said defensively.

Andy shrugged again. "Sow what's new? Anyhow, Ianto then called me, asked me if I would hold the fort until they returned, and since it was my day off, I said yes. I've wanted to get a glimpse of your Batcave ever since Jack hired you."

"You won't remember it," Gwen said, a little smugly. "Jack's gonna give you that little amnesia pill..."

"You mean Retcon?" Andy asked; seeing Gwen's surprise, he grinned. "I don't think so. Jack's approached me to join the team more than two months ago. I'll only remain with the police till the end of the year, then come over for good."

" _What?_ " Gwen could hardly believe his ears. "I didn't know that!"

"Why should you have?"

"Cause I'm his second-in-command, that's why!"

"Not according to Jack, you aren't. His second-in-command is Owen, as the one with the longest-serving Torchwood agent after him. Well, Ianto has more service years, but he was with One, so he automatically outranks everyone here, save Jack."

" _What_? I didn't know that!"

"You seem to be unaware of a lot of basic facts," Andy commented.

"Yeah, cause you know so much!" Gwen snapped.

"Actually, I do," Andy replied. "Ianto gave me all necessary documents to read before I'd join."

" _Ianto_? Why would Ianto give you any official Torchwood documents?"

"Cause it's his job. He's the head of administration, or didn't you know _that_ , either?"

"Oh, come on, he's just the teaboy," Gwen said dismissively. "I'm sure Jack doesn't even known he gave you those papers. Ianto is very sneaky."

"Actually, Jack was the one who asked him to give me the stuff," Andy said. "In his office, where we negotiated the terms of my joining. While you were on your honeymoon in Paris."

Gwen shook her head. "I can't bloody believe this! Why would Jack hire _you_ , of all people?"

"Perhaps cause he wanted a field agent who can follow orders, doesn't question his decisions in front of others and isn't trying to get into his trousers all the time," Andy replied bluntly. "But don't worry," he added, "you won't remember any of this. Ianto has been lacing your coffee with Retcon for weeks. The cumulative effect should start working... about _now_."

He was still speaking when Gwen's eyes suddenly turned upwards and she slumped to the floor unceremoniously, like a sack of potatoes. Andy caught her before she could have hit her head on the stone-paved floor, checked her pulse, nodded in relief when he found it all right; then he touched his earpiece."

"Mission accomplished, Captain."

"Good job," Jack said, climbing up from his room under his office. "It's a good thing she never reads the memos; otherwise she might have remembered that the Canary Wharf memorial service won't happen until next month."

~The End~


	6. Halloween - for lindahoyland

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crew wants to celebrate the old Earth feast of Halloween. Captain Janeway is reluctant - until she gets an unexpected visitor.
> 
> My prompt was: Star Trek-Voyager, Captain Janeway, a ghost.

*** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ***  
Captain Kathryn Janeway stared at her chief pilot as if Tom Paris had suddenly sprouted a second head.

"You want to celebrate _what_?"

"Halloween," Tom explained readily. "It's an old Earth holiday. People used to believe that on this particular day the wall between our world and the Otherworld was particularly thin and the dead could pass through to visit the living. They decorated their houses with all sorts of spooky things: jack'o-lanterns, plastic skulls, fake skeletons, bats, artificial cobwebs and the likes. In the later years it was all for fun, of course."

"We could create a great environment on the holodeck," Harry Kim supported his best friend. "And I'm sure Naomi would enjoy trick-or-treating."

"She would enjoy _what_?" Janeway asked, flabbergasted.

The two young men fell into each other's word in their eagerness to explain the concept to her, but after a moment of listening she shook her head.

"I'm sorry, gentlemen, but I don't think that something like that would be appropriate. Try to think of a different kind of entertainment to cheer up your shipmates."

 *** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ***  
"Can you imagine it?" she said in mild exasperation somewhat later. She was sitting in her Ready Room with Chakotay, the two having their daily relaxing coup of coffee and tea, respectively. "Ghosts! Bats! Skeletons! Children begging for sweets and playing silly pranks when they don't get any... What a ridiculous concept!"

"Some people still find it funny," Chakotay replied in amusement. "And I wouldn't reject the idea of visiting spirits out of hand."

"Oh, come on!" Janeway rolled her eyes. "Your spirit walks are one thing; commercialized superstitions are a different couple of tea. Besides, why should we want to celebrate some obscure Earth holiday no-one has taken seriously for centuries?"

"Perhaps because it might give people - at least the humans among us, even if they aren't from Earth - a sense of home?" Chakotay suggested. "I've read somewhere that Captain Kirk used to order a special meal at Thanksgiving(*) on board the _Enterprise_ each year; and _that_ holiday was every bit as outdated by then as Halloween."

"Captain Kirk used to do a lot of rather strange things in his days," Janeway said. "All of them did. They'd all be booted out of Starfleet now."(**)

"Oh my, my," a deep, amused voice said, and a short, middle-aged, Asian-looking man in an outdated Starfleet uniform appeared in one of the empty seats, holding a cup of tea, complete with saucer, in one hand. "Aren't we full of ourselves?"

The captain and her first officer stared in surprise at the man, noticing that he looked semi-transparent. They could vaguely make out the outline of the chair through his body. Nonetheless, he looked strangely familiar... at least to Chakotay.

"Captain Sulu?" he asked uncertainly.

"In the flesh... well, not exactly," the apparition replied. "As those young officers said, this is the time when we can occasionally slip through, and so I thought I'd pay you a visit. See how the young man I helped to get into Starfleet Academy has been doing. Then I happened to hear that throwaway remark and decided to make an appearance."

Janeway actually blushed, which didn't happen to her too often. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound so... patronizing."

"Oh yes, you did," if anything, Captain Sulu seemed amused by the situation. "But that is all right. You are still young, compared with me. And as one of the most famous twentieth-century fictive detectives said, young people always believe that old people are fools. But old people _know_ that it is a young people who are fools."(***)

"And what is _that_ supposed to mean?" Janeway demanded.

"Oh, nothing much," the apparition replied nonchalantly. "Only that you might consider taking a leaf from Captain Kirk's book. It could lift morale on board."

And with that, he was gone.

 *** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ***  
The Halloween party on the holodeck was in full swing. The decoration was half creepy and half trash, but nobody seemed to mind, and Neelix had outdone himself, creating fairly disgusting desserts that looked like spiders, eyeballs, bugs, and the likes. The music was rather creepy, too, the illumination dim, and from time to time somebody screamed when another horrifying detail popped up unexpectedly.

Chakotay, who was watching the events from a quiet corner, smiled tolerantly.

"All right, Q," he said in a low voice. "Care to tell me what was this all about?"

The capricious entity popped into existence next to him, still wearing the outdated Starfleet uniform but his own face.

"It was about _respect_ , Chuckles," he replied. I thought Kathy needed to learn showing some respect for those who have paved her way to the stars. She's a good girl, but she had to realize that she's standing on the shoulders of Kirk, Sulu and the others. Besides," he added with a wide grin, "this is _fun_. I like people who know how to have a good time."

~The End~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (*) See the TOS episode "Charlie X".  
> (**) Janeway actually made this remark in the episode "Flashback".  
> (***) That statement came from no-one less than Miss Marple. Unfortunately, I no longer remember in which novel did she say it.


End file.
